yesterday I had an epiphany of sorts. I was eating my dinner in the dining hall alone and a girl I lived in the dorm with last year saw me and asked if i wanted to eat with them. As I sat down I realized I was not the person I was last year, and I no longer really had any connection to these people. Last year was awful in short. I did alot of things that maybe I shouldnt have done and Im certainly not proud of. I was friends with people who really didnt know the real me and pretended to be whoever it was I needed to be so I could fit in with them. for awhile during the beginning of this year I was alittle hurt that I had lost connection with some of my "friends" from last year and that they were all getting together and partying together. Now I realized that I would never want to be a part of that group ever again. they aren't people I see myself being friends with 15 years down the line or even next year.
one thing that really hurt me yesterday however was that Im beginning to grow farther and farther apart from my one best friend from high school. over the summer we got really really close again but now we go days without talking about anything or even talking at all. we write letters but sometimes I feel like there isnt anything I have to say. as i see her interact with her other friends I realize maybe its time for us to move on. sometimes it seems like we have nothing in common and usually that is what makes our friendship so great we challenge each other to do things the other one wouldnt really do. the moment i realized we might be growing apart when she wrote this to me, we had plans to make a slushie run when im home this weekend and she goes "okay plus we could always cut our talking to a minimum and just do a slushie run which only takes approximately 20mins" ouch that really hurt that she didnt really want to make the time to hang out and that we would only be spending about 20 minutes together on a weekend im home thursday through sunday. plus we've had to cancel plans for her to visit me at school twice and i've seen her once this month.
am i overthinking and overreacting about this whole thing??
sorry this is a long winded post with alot of words but it helps me work through what is going on by writing it out.
"I wanna have friends that I can trust,that love me for the man I’ve become not the man I was. I wanna have friends that will let me be all alone when being alone is all that I need."